What scares you more? Your child being bullied…or your child being the bully?
I, like many others was saddened and sickened by the death of local teenager, Amanda Todd last week.
Whenever things like this happen I think about my own kids. I think about how innocent and precious they are and I can’t imagine anyone wanting to hurt them. On the other hand, I also can’t fathom either of them deliberately hurting others – either physically or with words. I can’t imagine the pain that Amanda’s parents are going through, nor the way the parents of her tormentors must feel. I’ve read comments saying the people who were bullying Amanda must have come from homes where parents set bad examples. Surely, kids who would participate in this kind of behavior don’t come from “nice” families, right?
Yes, it’s true that children learn by way of example and that it is our job as parents to set this example. But for every bully out there, is there really a parent who’s modelling awful behavior for their child at home? I’m not sure I think this is the case. Kids gang up on other kids for many reasons other than “…it’s what they learned at home.” Pack-mentality, boredom, lack of empathy…oh, and don’t forget to blame the internet. Some kids…and maybe I’ll get into trouble for saying this…are just mean. I’ve seen it already at school and on the playground…
I do believe that as parents we need to be doing a better job of teaching empathy and kindness to our kids – which is challenging in a world where it is so hard for our voices to be heard above all the noise out there – but this is the job we all signed up for…and it does take a village. We need to teach our children that bullying, like doing drugs, like drinking and driving, like date rape…is not OK. And there needs to be serious consequences, which is why I hope our government takes action to create legislation that will not allow for victims like Amanda to go without justice.
When I heard Amanda’s story I was heartbroken for the loss of such a young and beautiful girl who had barely begun to live. I also wondered what the parents of the kids who were her aggressors must have felt. Because of the nature and anonymity of cyber-bullying – it is likely these parents did not even know what their children were up to…it’s likely some of them never will.
This scares me.
I certainly hope that my children are never bullied…I’m pretty sure most parents have this hope. However, I think I would be just as upset to find out that my children were doing the bullying. I do my best to set a good example, to foster a loving and positive environment where I hope they develop strong self-confidence and empathy for others. But, will it be enough?
What are your thoughts? Is bullying learned? Does the thought that your child could be an aggressor scare you as much as the thought of them being a victim?
Will my love and guidance be enough?
I recently did a post on my blog (Vodka Infused Lemonade)about the same topic. I also live here in the lower mainland. I believe that a lot of bullying comes from home, kids practice what they see. But I do agree that some kids are just mean. But its still up to the parents to discipline them and teach them right from wrong. It starts at home with the parents. We are parents need to teach our kids to stand up to other bullies and to help kids that are being bullied. If you get a chance please read my blog post, I think you may like it.
Agi:)
My heart also goes out to Amanda Todd and family. It scared me more to think my kids will be bullied. Scares the hell out of me actually. And if I ever hear they bullied or followed along with other bulliers? Not sure what I would do, but it sure as hell won’t be pretty here at home and we would take it very very seriously. Zero tolerance!!!
ugh i remember how bad internet bully got when i was in school. Ridiculous the things that would happen, including full sites rating people from 1-10 in ranging topics UGH. Amanda was such a sweet girl, so sad
As the mother of a child who was bullied so badly that he had to switch schools, I can tell you that this is not a fun position for children or parents to be in. Not only it it not fun, it is heartbreaking, frustrating and maddening.
My son has had a knife pulled on him at school during class time (yes, during class time!). As a result of him reporting that incident, he was threatened to have the sh*t kicked out of him with a baseball bat and left to die. He also was jumped on and received several hits to the face by a kid he didn’t even know, but it stemmed from the original incident.
My child who always loved to go to school, was now terrified to even leave the house by himself. Thank God that he didn’t keep all of this inside him.
Upon telling school authorities, the teen who initially pulled the knife was suspended until there could be a meeting with the RCMP school liaison and the school board. In the end, nothing happened to the teen. We did have the option of pressing charges, but chose not to, as we had already pulled our son from that school.
That particular boy did come from a bad family environment. He was in fact in foster care. However, many of the other kids came from good homes and their parents were shocked when they found out their children had been participating in a bullying situation. Therein lies the “pack mentality”.
Bullies come in all shapes, forms, good/bad family homelife, and all ages. It isn’t just children who get bullied.
As for my son, after almost 2 years, and bi-weekly/monthly counselling sessions, he now knows how to handle the situation better. Amazingly enough, he still loves school.
http://www.stopabully.ca
Carrie-Anne – I’m so sorry to hear what your son went through. It is maddening that the bullies have no consequences for their actions. Bravo to you and your son for persisting through this and here’s to happy days ahead.
I was terribly bullied when I was young. Now I’m in my 30′s and have a 5 yo boy. It used to scare me that my son would be bullied but in light of Amanda Todd and other situations in the past few years it has occurred to me that there is as much chance that my son could be a bully as he could be bullied. Bullying, in my opinion, comes from insecurity and I have to say that in this world and day in age, it’s easy for anyone to be insecure. We are all children of imperfect parenting. These days we work way more than the generation before and are far more easily disconnected because of TV, internet and cell phones. Regardless of how well or not our parents raised us, and what we swore we would or would not do, we are dealing with technology that is new to be raising children in. I don’t think parents have to be the worst of the worst to raise a bully. I think a parent just has to parent from his/her own unknowing insecurities to raise a bully. For me, self-care, self-awareness and slowing down to keep connected to my child is the best prevention for raising a bully. I go to therapy, I read books, I talk to other parents, I become a part of the parenting community at my sons school. I can only hope that that is enough. To keep children/teens from bullying the bond between parent and child has to be stronger than the childs/teens bond with his friends. (http://www.amazon.ca/Hold-On-Your-Kids-Parents/dp/0676974724 by Gordon Neufeld). The girls that used to bully me came from regular homes. There was no abuse, no divorce, nothing notable that would trigger, in my opinion, that behaviour. And people aren’t just mean. There is always a reason. To actually parent a child that is socially responsible and neither a victim to bullying or the bully themself is probably one of the most difficult things to do in the world today. When I look back being a teenager is almost a surreal experience. Everything was so much more heightened and important until we were out of school and everything wasn’t that important. We have such an incredible task to keep our children protected and I don’t mean just from bullies. Limiting TV, internet, cell phones and other technology is a big key. It disconnects us, moreso when we are young. The things that people are capable of saying through typing instead of to someone’s face is monstrous. Just on Facebook alone I was ripped apart by someone I had met through work and friended because of my differing political view. I completely relate to Amanda Todd. I can’t even imagine the damage that my bullies would have done if it didn’t just have to be to my face. Bigger than that, the guy that initiated this all was in my opinion a predator. When I heard of Amanda Todd, it wasn’t the bullies of my childhood that first came to mind but the boys that would call and pretend to like me or the boy that stalked me, my friends and my family for over a year. That was without internet. The internet is soul-less. There is no ‘look’ in someone’s eyes that you are dealing with. It’s unfortunate to wait for such an example to spur our attention.
My 10-YO son asked me last week, “Who is Amanda Todd?” He’s heard about her at school and perhaps from his teachers as well (I didn’t ask him where he “heard” about her, since he can read the newspaper and watch the news as much as I can).
He’s had some exposure and participation in pack-mentality bullying and he was called on it by his teachers last year. I would like to think he learned his lesson from that experience, and I was satisfied with the actions the school took to address it.
So when he asked me recently, “Who is Amanda Todd?”, I chose not to focus on the bully, or the victim – I chose to focus on the bystanders. Because, let’s face it, the majority of kids WILL be the bystanders. Bullying will not stop until the bystanders choose to say something, not to just turn around and walk away.
I want MY kid to know that I believe he is just as culpable (sp?) as the bully if he just watches, or even if he chooses to ignore and walk away. I want MY kid to tell an adult, a teacher, a parent – and I want him to KEEP telling until somebody listens and he sees action is taken. I want my kid to understand even adults may fail the victims and it is HIS responsiblity to make sure that if he witnesses any chronic, ongoing, progressive bullying, he IS responsible for telling an adult, and for following up with that adult to make sure action has been taken.
It’s a heavy load to put on a 10-YO, but I think he understood. I hope more parents are telling their kids the same thing – that the bullying won’t stop until “everyone” takes responsiblity. This is not just a bully and a victim’s issue. Nobody wants their kid in either the bully’s shoes, or the victim’s shoes. But, I don’t want MY kid to be the silent bystander either. In our house, that is not acceptable.
Well said, Angela! You are so right!
My son was bullied from when he was 4 until he is now 7 years old by the same kid of his age. Recently, I had enough of this same old stories..so I went and have a good loud conversation with the bully’s parents. The bullying just stopped after that. Now my son enjoys his renewed friendship with this bully even more. I am still acting hostile towards the parents. I really do not have to compromise how and what other parents thought of me so long as the problem is solved and no more bullying stories to be heard on a daily basis.