Let’s talk about sex, baby…but you’re MY BABY!!
It’s understandable that it’s hard for us to confront social sexual taboos to raise our daughters with more honesty. But we would be far less afraid if we reframed the issue as one of daughters wanting to understand, in concert with the mothers who love them, how their bodies work, how love works, and how women young and old can navigate the world together. – Joyce McFadden
I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic schools. I would say that my sexual education was very sheltered. In high school, for example, we did not have “sexual education.” Instead, we had “marriage preparation,” which was ironically (and absurdly) taught to us by a 70 year old nun. Not to say I don’t value the morality I was raised with. I do. However, I also believe that creating fear and repression around sexuality can only cause those very feelings to manifest and have all kinds of adverse effects on us when we grow up.
Back to the “marriage preparation”…unfortunately, where there was an opportunity to really teach a group of young women to take control of their sexuality and their bodies, the class was not taken seriously by me and many of my peers. As a result, I feel, that opportunity was lost. Instead we turned to other sources (TV, Internet, Library books, older friends and siblings etc.) most of the time without the guiding voice of a caring adult to decipher and explain the information were trying to process. Consequently, many girls’ early sexual experiences were unpleasant, rushed, or forced. Because there was no real conversation happening around sex for most of us (either at home or at school) we didn’t really know how to talk about it with each other. You couldn’t really talk about any pleasure you may have had (because you would be deemed “loose” or a “slut”), nor could you talk about any unpleasant experiences (same aforementioned outcome).
I’m not certain of what the experience was for my public-school counterparts, but I imagine much the same (without the added religion guilt…). Historically, we have not done a good job of educating children and youth about sexuality. What I would argue, however, is that, like with anything else, the foundation for these conversations and subsequent understanding begins at home.
I was reading a post last week that discusses how mothers influence the sexuality of their daughters. One quote that really stuck with me was that our daughters have a “…longing to not only learn from us, but to see our sexual education of them as an act of maternal love.” Seems so simple. It is a maternal and loving thing to speak to your daughter about her body, to candidly educate her about its parts and their functions. To celebrate the wonder and privilege of womanhood and teach her that there is no shame in deriving pleasure from your body. All of these things can be addressed in an open, honest and age-appropriate way, right? The part I struggle with is “how”?? As women who, for the most part, did not have these open and honest conversations with their mothers, where and how do we learn how to do this? I know I have to get on it because my daughter is now in school and I remember how I found out about “where babies come from.” It was from an older kid on the playground. I don’t want that for my daughter. I want to be the person that educates her about this. I want to answer her questions as they come up…I want to be the person that she comes to…without hesitation, embarrassment or shame.
When my daughter was in preschool, I was lucky to have attended a parent session with Vancouver’s Salema Noon, who is a Sexual Health Educator. A few things that I took away from that session have set the stage for how the sexual education of my children will unfold. She advised us to “use proper names” for genitalia. She highlighted the importance of answering questions about sex and our bodies truthfully and scientifically (answering the question posed only – if subsequent questions arise, answer them one by one). Finally, she emphasized how important it is to engage in a two-way conversation with your child (i.e. why do you think that happens? how do you feel about that answer?). I have used these tips and approach with both my children and so far, so good.
However, with our culture’s hyper-sexualization of girls I really struggle with how to find a balance and how to ensure my voice comes through in my daughter’s mind over all the noise that is out there. I guess only time will tell.
It is a maternal and loving thing to speak to your daughter about her body…to celebrate the wonder and privilege of womanhood.
Hi!! I heard Saleema Noon speak about a year ago at my local elementary school and was immensely grateful and felt so enpowered after! Since then I took very needed steps for all my daughters sexual education… I too come from a Catholic School upbringing and totally identify with what you share today.
I have kept this “Checklist” with me and have shared it so many times http://www.saleemanoon.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/sexual-health-education-checklist-2012.pdf ; this is a very recurrent topic among friends and we all need tools to nurture our children and help them set the foundations for their lives.
If I may add, I have found Meg Hickling’s books very very helpful. Specially, “Speaking of SEX” the original version for adults as well as” Boys, Girls and Body Science” which I found excellent for children (I found them at kidsbooks). After reading and listening to their experience I feel I am able to approach this topic with confidence and integrate it to our daily conversations in the natural way it ought to be. My girls are now 7, 5 and 3 and so far we have had numerous conversations about body functions, body parts, sexual intercourse, love, affection, relationships, body development etc in a very understanding way.
Thanks for bringing it up!!
Timely post. My family gave me shit on the weekend for changing my 15 month old boy in front of my almost-4 year old on the outside grass. I have no idea what is/is not appropriate for these ages! Would these books be helpful?
Seems a bit extreme to think it inappropriate to change toddler in front of another toddler (especially a sibling). I think that’s pretty natural thing to do!
Sorry, I left out “neice”. My almost-4 yr old “neice”. Does it still seem too much? I sure thought so. I have no ‘ground’ to say anything back because it’s really what you are comfortable with I guess. Personally I’m very okay with nudity in families, but we were at their house, so hard to argue. You kind of have to go with what your hosts are comfortable with I guess. Just seems as weird to me as it probably did to them!
Still, I would argue that at such a young age to enforce no nudity amongst cousins is going a bit far. My cousins and I used to run around our backyards and through the sprinkler naked. I think things like that are part of the innocence of childhood. Family is where we learn about body parts and what makes boys and girls different. I agree, you have to respect people’s rules in their own homes – for sure – but I don’t feel a 15 month old and 4 year old (especially siblings or cousins) seeing each other naked is a big deal at all.
For anyone interested check out the trailer for Sext Up Kids and join YWCA Vancouver for a FREE screening of the film on June 21.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9RxKPQ12Iw4
RSVP to cmarriott@ywcavan.org to register.
Event info: http://bit.ly/L8ob5D
I will never forget sitting my first daughter down on the porch swing, with a glass of lemonade each – she would have been five or six, and explaining to her about her body and how it would change and getting her period. I had to do it early because some kid in the neighbourhood had said something to her that was confusing (I don’t recall what now – this was about 23 years ago) and I needed to set it straight AND it had involved some sex talk as well so I had to give her all of the goods. She listened intently, was very accepting of it all, had a few questions, and then wanted to go play. Went pretty swimmingly, I thought. This is easy!
About about 4 years later, I did the same with her sister who was about 8 and knew nothing. Same porch swing, lemonade (trying to make it a really special moment). Told her the same stuff, and hoped for the same response although I had my suspicions that it might not go quite as well, knowing her as I did. She completely FREAKED on me. Cried buckets, sobbing that she never wanted to grow up as it was and NOW I am telling her she is going to be BLEEDING for a week out of every MONTH?! Sobbing that she NEVER wanted to get married or have ANY kids, she wanted to stay a kid forever so WHY would she have to go through THIS HORRIBLE thing. She flopped her head into my lap and sobbed her heart out for at least half an hour. I felt like the worst mother on the planet. I wracked my brain trying to think of a way I could have broken it a bit gentler but really, I had been very tentative because I had a feeling she’d fall apart, although not quite this severely. As she finally pulled herself together and declared she was going to her room and didn’t want to come out for a while, I gathered up the empty lemonade glasses and decided I was going to wait a LONG LONG time before I got to the second half the sex part. I hadn’t even touched on that. To say I dreaded it would be like saying the Pacific Ocean is a bit wet. I honestly can’t say I even remember finally talking about sex with her. I don’t know if that’s because I’ve blanked it out or because I put it off so long I just never got to it but can you blame me really?
Hey, Sandra, you did better than my mom. She sat me down at 9 in the concrete BASEMENT (no lemonade, sniff) and used markers and a white board and tried drawing this thing out. So picture blue for the body, and red for the blood, with her frantically drawing out blood. I was so traumatized that I never told her when it happened at 13 for about 1 1/2 YEARS! She wasn’t a part of my pregnany either and breastfeeding was strange and awkward and full of tension for the two of us that I even stopped while she was here for my first born at 30 years old! My advice? Talk to your daughter again. Acknowledge her fears. The worst thing my mom did was to leave it there and never bring it up again. I totally feel for you, AND my poor mom!
Well she just turned 27 so I think we are all good now.
Ladies…just want to say, I love your comments!!