Fear and loathing in motherhood: thoughts on anti-feminism and modern parenting.
As mothers, I’m pretty sure we can all say that we are guilty, from time to time, of passing judgement on the parenting style of another. I’ve been at this job for five years now and I am not innocent of critiquing the way another mom is doing it and thinking my way is better. On the other hand, and more often than not, I am constantly questioning, worrying and wondering if my way actually is the right way…so who am I to judge?
I recently read an article in the Globe and Mail (and the reaction that followed) about Elisabeth Badinter’s book, The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women. In it, Badinter, a philosopher, professor and mother, shares her concerns that “seemingly progressive” parenting styles (i.e. attachment parenting) are undoing the hard work of the feminist movement, limiting a woman from reaching her full potential. I tend to disagree.
What I believe is anti-feminist, is being un-supportive of and judgmental about women’s choices around what works best for them in terms of parenting. Actress and parenting author Mayim Bialik wrote a rebuttal to Badinter’s theories in The New York Times entitled, “Attachment Parenting is Feminism”. In it she states those who embrace attachment philosophies
“…are educated, humble and devoted women who believe it is just as much a feminist choice to be [an attachment] parent as it is to not be one.”
She’s right. Motherhood is not a “one size fits all” endeavor. What works and feels right for one woman, doesn’t work and feels wrong to another. Isn’t one of the points of feminism to honor the choices afforded to us by the women before us who fought for them? I applaud Bialik (probably best know for her role as “Blossom” in the ’90s series of the same name) and think it takes a woman who has a great deal of self-confidence and intelligence to be strong in her own opinions about parenting, while realizing and respecting that her particular philosophy is not for everyone.
For crying out loud…some of us (would you believe) don’t even have a “philosophy”…we parent from our hearts, from instinct. Some of us read every book we can get our hands on. Some of us embrace new philosophies or techniques each week until we find what works for us. Some of us decide to take time off work to be with our kids, only to realize that we need careers outside the home to feel whole. Others go back to work and discover that being at home with our kids is what brings the most satisfaction. Some of us remain conflicted for years about whether or not we are making the best choices for ourselves and our children.
Here’s the truth. We are all different. None of us are perfect. There is no “right” way. Finally, regardless of whether you co-sleep or Ferberize, bottle feed or breastfeed, go to work or stay at home – if you love your child, instill confidence and empathy in them, and provide them with a safe, loving and nurturing environment, they will likely turn out to be a-okay.
This Mother’s day, take the time to tell another mom what you like about what she is doing. Most of us don’t get told enough and, surely, it would be refreshing to hear what we are doing right for a change.
Mommy Judging – Cut it out!!
You say “What I believe is anti-feminist, is being un-supportive of and judgmental about women’s choices around what works best for them in terms of parenting. ” Unfortunately, what the author was talking about is the PRESSURE of society to actually do the things mentioned like breastfeed, attachment parent, co-sleep. So I find it extremely difficult to do my own thing, while surrounded by that pressure, mainly from the attachment/bf’ing/cosleeping parents around me, caught up in their Earth Mother haughtiness. So yeah, it’s great to say we shouldn’t judge each other, but how does one defend ones self against trendy parenting critics without telling them your side of things, which will inevitably come down to judgement. When I hear how we were “meant” to give birth naturally, or breastfeed, how can I hold back from telling that person how those choices also included infant death, maternal death, or other complications where, by God, someone just couldn’t “naturally” do them herself!! How do I say that without judging them? Whether I judge La Leche League to be a bunch of Catholic right-wingers is irrelevant, but when someone starts spreading their propaganda to me, it’s very hard to hold back and not be tempted into a show-down since most of the Earth Mothers don’t realize they indeed are propagating a political viewpoint that they would rather die than admit they supported. But sure, it’s all rainbows and sunshine in Earth Mother Land!
I think you misunderstand my point, which was that propaganda or judgement from any particular philosophy only serves to make mothering more difficult and confusing than it already is. Believe me when I say that I am not a Pollyanna about the complexities around this…I myself, had difficulty with breast feeding and felt immense pressure to “fall in line”. So, yeah, it is easy to say…don’t judge…and much, much harder to not with all we are faced with.
Quite honestly, if I hadn’t gone through a horrible birth after studying for a “natural” one, and had to pump instead of breastfeed for 10 months instead of “naturally” feeding my child, I never would have learned as much as I have about judgement, mainly because I felt at the brunt of it. But seeing it from this side, it’s much harder not to be critical of those who “did it naturally”, seeing how naive they are. Anyways, I’m not perfect but definitely I struggle not to ask certain women how many gold stars they have earned by being such martyrs.
Jackie, I think you will like and appreciate this response to the most recent TIME magazine cover. Personally, the fact that society keeps perpetuating the “Mommy Wars” infuriates me. I actually think we agree on this topic…wonder what your thoughts are on this piece?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-belkin/no-i-am-not-mom-enough_b_1507550.html
I thought it was a severe underreaction, but when I looked into some of the commentors comments (the irony that I am also commenting now doesn’t escape me) I found the model from Time’s personal blog with this great ditty: http://www.blogher.com/what-breastfeeding-advocates-need-stop-saying
It sums up everything I feel. Breastfeeding, as “normal” and “biological” does not correlate with “everyone can do it” and all this talk recently has actually got me on the verge of tears. I don’t think bf’ing advocates realize how hurtful it can be to get so “up in your grill” when you failed. I’m so sick of the boob talk that I’m done for a while now. No talk of boob, no reading, no writing. Done.